On Waiting …

Sometimes it’s hard to know why God makes us wait. I wanted a husband for years and years, but didn’t meet Dave til I was 39. That’s a lot of waiting … I’m no stranger to waiting. I saw all my friends getting married, and to be honest I was envious. I thought there was something wrong with me, that marriage was for everyone else but me, that it would never happen … all the emotions that come with waiting. Then it was over and all seemed well … and yet here I am again. Waiting.

Once I met Dave it all moved quickly, we met, within a year we were getting married, expecting Valentina, buying a house and moving to the ‘burbs. So I do have an experience of waiting coming to an end with a positive outcome. All those pieces fell into place, the wait was over. I could exhale. I was a wife and mother, I felt like I was home finally.

Even with Valentina, it all fell into place. We got pregnant with Valentina easily, and way before we were actually trying. While at first I had a bit of a freak out about that, I soon came to see that it was a total blessing, and of course today I can’t imagine my life without her. I’ve never actually had to try to get pregnant before.

Now she’s about to turn two. The majority of my “mommy friends” have either had their 2nd or are pregnant with their 2nd. And here I am waiting again. We never anticipated a problem – it was so easy the first time around; then we looked at labs and tests and all seemed good; then we upped the ante and did the IUI, expecting that to work. But nope, I’m here still waiting.

Perhaps I’ll get comfortable with one set of feet going pitter pat, perhaps I’ll appreciate one set of private school fees. Perhaps I’ll keep having faith that what happens for everyone else can a happen for me too. I’m just sick of thinking about it, I’m sick of hoping and being disappointed, I’m sick of pretending to friends that it’s fine, that I’m sure one day it’ll happen. Because maybe it won’t. And what then?

If someone had a crystal ball and told me for sure I would not have another child, I could come up with at least six advantages of that. I have friends who have just one child and love it. It’s the not knowing, the waiting, that’s hard. Perhaps it’s coming to terms with the won’t that makes the maybe ok. If I have nothing to lose, I can only gain- or at least break even. It’s the not knowing that sucks.

And if one more person tells me it’ll happen when I let it go, with all due respect I’ll smack you in the face. Because as much as that might be true, the letting go for me would reflect such a place of pain and disappointment and loss, it’s not something that I would take lightly or could do easily. It seems so academic – just decide no and ta-da! it’ll happen. I wish I could pretend I felt no, to make it happen, but of course that doesn’t work either.

For now I’m rallying and starting the IUI over again. If not successful this month then we’ll wait til the new year, and then regroup. We always said we wouldn’t do IVF, and I’m not sure if Dave would be ok with it, but I’m never saying never.

In summary, waiting sucks. My husband repeats to me that God has a plan. He’s probably much wiser and much less controlling than me. Even as I write this on my notes app on my phone we’re at the beach, he’s playing with Valentina in the waves, and I’m writing. He’s calling to me – “baby, you’re missing this, come and play with us”. I watch them and know that I’m beyond blessed. That while I’m pining and fretting about baby #2, he’s enjoying baby #1. And it’s not that I’m not – anyone who knows me know that I’m totally besotted and smitten by her – but he and I don’t have the same relationship to infertility, and that’s lonely too.

While on the outside I will say that yes, God has a plan, deep down I feel confused, uncertain and fed up. There’s no physical reason for us not to get pregnant, and yet clearly there is something in the way. I’ve done acupuncture, craniosacral therapy, emotional release therapy, and spiritual counseling. I’ve covered all the bases I know to cover. Does God know something I don’t know? Will I look back on this and be grateful that it took as long as it did (maybe by the time we have another baby Valentina will be old enough to change his or her diapers and that will be worth the wait!)?

Of course God does have a plan. I’ve waited before and it turned out perfectly. But I won’t say it was easy. This isn’t easy either. I guess I have to just keep choosing faith every day, keep choosing to trust and believe that what is happening right now is best for me, Dave and Valentina. And just keep on waiting.