What Not To Say To People With Fertility Challenges

Welcome to Fertile Friday!! Sadly for me it feels like infertile Friday, as we found our second round of IUI was not successful. I’m filled with all these mixed emotions, and it’s hard telling people because some people, in their best efforts to be helpful, say things that just don’t help.

Even though I’m hugely disappointed that we’re not pregnant, I’m now starting to mentally and emotionally come to terms with where we are at now – being a one-child family. Dave and I only agreed to two rounds of IUI. Frankly, he’s only doing it to make me happy, he just thinks it’s going to happen naturally it just hasn’t happened yet, and if it doesn’t then “oh well”. Subsequently he and I have different responses and levels of disappointment when each round doesn’t work. I’m not saying he’s not supportive, because he is, it just doesn’t mean the same thing to him that it means to me.

I’m finding it helpful to start looking at the bright side of only having one child – private school fees are way more affordable, it’s easier to travel with one than two, we can focus all our energy and resources on her. Now I can do that HCG and try to get those few pounds off that have crept on, now I can do some health things that I’ve not done for almost 2 years because I always had to be careful of what I took supplement-wise. I’m going to stop going to acupuncture weekly, and perhaps get a pedicure instead in that hour (which sadly I haven’t done since Valentina was born!). Ooooooooh, maybe a massage!!!!

I guess it’s my way of processing the disappointment, to turn it to positives and focus on those.

And look, I’m not saying there’s absolutely no chance that we still may get pregnant, but as of today, I’m choosing to just be in acceptance of the life we have now. That’s the only way I can do it.

So please – do not say “oh now that you’ve stopped trying you’ll get pregnant, that’s how it always happens”. There may be truth to that, but it sets up a whole other set of expectations. By thinking about it happening through “not trying” makes me feel like I’m “trying” which means this time next month I’ll be filled with hope, expectation and then possible disappointment. No, I just need to let go fully at this time. Please allow me to do that.

So please – do not say “oh it’ll happen, it just hasn’t happened yet”. Really? How do you know it’ll happen? You don’t, so please don’t say that either.

So please – don’t say “well why aren’t you doing IVF, if you really wanted another one you would do IVF”. IVF is a big commitment, both in impact on one’s body and on finances. Dave is not on board with IVF. To him, and I tend to agree, to spend between $15,000 and $50,000 on trying to have another one, with no guarantee of success, erodes the savings that we have for Valentina’s education. We need to balance out those priorities. If we didn’t have a child at all, and desperately wanted one, I would throw everything I had at it and do IVF for sure. But as it is, we have her and she’s a blessing and we have been saving to make sure we can give her the best opportunities and best education possible.

If anyone had told me 18 months ago that I still wouldn’t be pregnant by now, I wouldn’t really have believed them. I just kept thinking it would happen naturally, then it would happen when I weaned Valentina, then it would happen with some acupuncture help, then for sure it would happen with IUI. Yet here I am, feeling dumb for picking up some cute baby boy clothes along the way having just assumed we’d have another baby. They’re sitting in the draw waiting to be needed, or I guess now potentially given away (although I’m not going to do that yet).

We have the most beautiful little girl and we are beyond blessed. We have a house that we love in a neighborhood that we are happy in. I get to walk four blocks to work. We have a park that we walk to three blocks away. I am a mother. That’s what counts.

So please, if you are ever having this conversation with someone going through this, the best thing you can say is “I’m sorry”, then just listen. I’ve heard so many renditions of other people’s fertility experiences, where what I would love to hear is “oh no, sorry to hear what you’re going through, how are you doing?” I don’t want to sound self-centered, like I don’t want to hear any one else’s experience, but if I’m upset in the midst of processing a loss or a disappointment, I can’t really listen fully anyway and it just crowds and already crowded emotional space. I don’t want to be placated, or cheered up with stories of other people getting pregnant, I would so much more appreciate being listened to, and allowed to process my emotions by talking through it.

So today, I’m disappointed but I’m not unhappy. Happiness is a choice and I choose it everyday. Between the tears I feel gratitude – for my husband who I love, for my daughter who I cherish, for the life we have with good health. I am a mother. Valentina is more than enough. Those are the most important things.